1st birthday!

Daniah's first birthday party is coming up, all planned for 4th Jan... we were unable to get a chalet on an earlier date as they have been solid booked for the whole of Dec... so Jan 4th it is... Its beginning to feel like I am planning for her wedding or something as I go into the full mode of buying all sorts of things for the party, pinata and all... the works I tell you!! I have been having it in my mind that this is the last 1st birthday party I am preparing for and so kind of went on an over mode in preparing and planning...

Not fully decided on the menu yet, but we will be having a bbq... chicken, meat, seafood... grandma would be the cook... of course... possibly coming up with delicious main course... maybe bamiah...I dunno... I was even thinking of having boiled cockles...

For that day, my diet takes a break....

I am definitely not seeing any downward movement on my scale... still stuck at 70... I have also started taking several small meals instead of 3 large ones with most of those small meals made up of fruits... Climb up stairs, aerobics, gym... if only I could see the numbers go down... One thing tho I do notice is that I am more fit and toned...

The scale must be broken...

I am totally an impatient person... which is why I simply cannot wait for the scale to show that I have even made the slightest impact in my recent efforts to really lose weight! That scale has something against me I tell you! Sigh... I am on my journey back to where I was when I got married... way before these 3 babies had loaded on the weight for me....

I am not giving up but it does little to the esteem when a month's worth of effort has not registered a change.... not even a single darn kilo??!!! I do think tho that I have reduced some inches around the waist tho I have definitely not checked... too scared that I would be disappointed!! But the tummy does look flatter... maybe a tiny little bit...

I am not going on some diet fad ... or taking anything that might harm my body... I know of friends who had gone on the just fruits diet etc... but I'm definitely not doing that cos I seriously do not think that is healthy. I am not the sort who would drink health shakes either as a substitute for food... thats not food!

I am going to cut down on taking snacks, taking unhealthy fatty food (ie no fries, chips, donuts... eeek and the list goes on!!), eating less carbo (that I can't burn off), less red meat... but maintaining a good intake of fruits and protein... also starting to be more active...

I have completely cut out sweet drinks (no more bubble tea, peach tea, lemon tea.... waaaah!) ... mineral water is all I take now and I dun eat dinner usually or replacing dinner with fruits... And for a month now, I've been going for aerobics, once a week... tho I do think I need to do this more frequently tho its hard to get time off from work to do it and I can't bring the girls to aerobics... so I am gonna start walking up the stairs at work more often too...

surely all these sacrifices would amount to something... the scale is broken I tell you!!

Tateh!

The girls on Hari Raya Haji in their Aodai...

Daniah has been resisting to walk on her own... despite making all her rounds around any table she can find for the past 2 months now... she definitely could do it cos she managed to make 2 steps when she was not conscious of making that step... but try to get her to walk with her fully aware... and she definitely won't do it... Finally today... Sarah called me at work to say, hey Daniah has walked a full distance!!

In my set of wheels..

I am kind of glad that despite being a full time working mum, I have never missed any first milestones that my children did... its like they waited for me before they make that first step, the first clap, the first smile...

And the next thing she does now is to hide and go "Caaaaak" (or should I say 'Taaaak' in her words?) when she sees your face... Very good at screaming too whenever she fights with Tasnym over toys.... but the funny thing is that she would then look over at me or my mum in tears, making noise, like asking us to do something to defend her and complaining about Tasnym... she does overstep it too... complaining about Tasnym over the slightest thing even when the sister was not doing anything much apart from being near her...

My honey and poison...

She is my honey and my poison... that was how my dad once described me when someone we visited during the hari raya period years ago commented on my status as an only child. It was not my parents choice to only have one child... that I know... but it was God's decision that there would be only one...

I know of friends who planned only to have one child, for whatever reasons... be it financial, a lack of time, inability to cope etc.. but whenever I can I would put my two cents worth why they should not only stick to one... no, it has nothing to do with the govt's drive for more kids but more of the challenges that an only child has to face... it goes even deeper than the idea of not having any playmates at home... well yes, I was lonely and yes I did not have a playmate but as I grew older, there was the growing realisation of a huge responsibility that I shoulder completely alone, far greater than even the notion that I am the only one who could fulfill my parents' expectations...

Many parents would say that they would not want to depend on their children to care for them in old age... not knowing whether the child they brought up could even be depended on... they may say that they would not want to burden their children anyway, having kept the necessary money for their old age...

But fact is that, any well brought up filial child would carry that burden and responsibility with them...that is of caring for the parents... and it falls completely and only on me... I can't share it not having anyone to share it with...Who would I be able to turn to when I may be faced to make a decision about my parents welfare... what if I cannot afford to pay for my parents' medical needs... who is there to help me in sharing my parents' care- physically, emotionally and financially?

No one... it falls on me and only me.... the thought scares me... what with increasing medical costs... it scares me ... to know that there is only me that I could turn to...

And that is the huge burden that any single child have to carry... You may think that you are doing the child a favor to have only one child as you think that you can then concentrate on giving your best to that child... but you may not realise the immense responsibility that you had inadvertently placed on that child's shoulders...

I fully envy my friends and cousins who have siblings... they do not realise the good fortune they had in having siblings... I cherish my cousins though they may not always feel the same way about me.. as I know that they are the only quasi-siblings I can ever have... but realisation is often there that at the end of the day... it is their family sub-systems that they would turn to and be loyal and at the end of the day, I am still outside that circle... It also puzzles me sometimes why siblings want to destroy the relationship that they have with one another... they dun seem to realise the gift they have, to quibble over non-matters... but I cannot truly understand, may never be able to as I continue standing on the outside looking in...

Glam Bags

If you were to see a mum struggling with her baby and young pre-schooler while the maid walks behind carrying a glam coach bag.... that would be me.... I would also be the one pushing the stroller.... while the maid walks empty handed behind me...

When I walk around Singapore shopping malls... and believe me I do a lot of this.... I see many glam mums walking carrying their glam bags on their shoulders while the maid struggles with the baby and the diaper bag and the groceries.... these mums may even balk at the idea of having their maids carrying their precious LV, Gucci bags ... at the possible notion that the maid may taint the bag in any way...

My thots are... what exactly is more precious to me.... my bag or my baby... and I can easily tell you its my baby.... my hub has sometimes scolded me that I dun value my bags very much cos I kind of place it anyway and anywhere in the house... and in a sense that is true... I mean I like my bags and all but I do not think I want to put so much value on them no matter how much expensive they are.... and no, I am not rich....

Even from the very first time we had a maid, it has always been our idea that the maid should never be given any child rearing task... and my situation allows it as my mum does the child minding while the maid only do household chores. Even in my household, the same happens when I am not at work that I and the hub care for the children while the maid does the other chores... she only helps in supervising occasionally...whenever the need arises....

I balk at the idea of my children preferring my maid to me... even the thot that any one of my child would turn to my maid rather than me is a nightmare that I would never want...so I would carry my baby whenever we go out because I would always want the first preference of my children to be me, not the maid.... when the child falls and get hurt.... and the first person they turn to is the maid... I would see myself as having completely failed as a parent...

But of course that is me.... if you prefer the children to go to the maid... and the bags have a strong attachment to you... that is ultimately your choice....

Tatak!

Someone is definitely showing that she is no pushover and has a mean temper of her own... try touching her toys, especially if its Tasnym and you'll get a scream in your ears... A person who still can't walk yet and already starting to talk.... calling her sisters "Tatak" to the amusement and delight of both!

She would be in the midst of the older ones playing... no way would she allow them to play without involving her... her birthday is coming up ... can't believe how time flies and soon she would be one... and Sarah would soon be in P1, Argh I'm growing old!! I do love babies... but no way am I gonna have another one... I can't even cope with these 3... with the world changing so much...I do worry abt how the girls will turn out to be and whether my parenting would ever be good enough... whether I am doing the right thing.

I got a bad fitness assessment last week... not that I was expecting otherwise... but it really hit me that I really need to do something... not enuf to just be depressed and whine about my state of health... so I got serious and signed up for Amore classes... have gone for weekly classes now... but still very uncoordinated trying hard to gelek top and bottom in my bellydancing class... sometimes tho I watched the others and truly wondered at how seriously they took the classes... I do it for fun and to lose weight but these people seems all out to be the next world belly dancer to rival Ms Turkey! Did Yoga too... who ever said it was easy... and what chants?... I can't even think ...just needing to focus on maintaining my balance....

So there goes my bubble tea... no more can drinks... sigh... I must be determined and more serious in doing this... I am so tired of people asking me if I am pregnant.... NO I AM NOT!!! ... after all I've been battling my weight gain since my first pregnancy 5 years ago...to be labelled as obese tho I dun look it... and to have a fat content of 40%... gulp... I know where all that is!!

Oh well... onwards in my journey in losing weight ...