I get irritated when people start commenting on my daughter's coloration. It was something that started even when Sarah was a baby and the makciks commented "Eh apasal mak dia putih anak dia gelap?" "Cos she went suntanning in the womb makcik!" Even my mum got caught with this ideology of skin fairness when she declared that under her care, Sarah will turn white. What she gonna do? Bleach the girl?
What's with the colour? Does it make her less beautiful that her skin tone is darker?
These days with Tasnym around, the difference becomes more stark, especially with Tasnym being so fair. Salesgirl, nyonyas at the malls never fail to comment. Oh Tasnym is like me and Sarah is like the dad... but they make it sound bad cos they will then fall all over Tasnym cooing abbout how fair and cute she is.
I worry how Sarah will take all these one day. I asked Izad last nite how it was for him that he was so much darker than all his younger brothers. His response "I made sure I got darker." Ooookie...
Are we a little racist without realising it? Or should I say colourist? Is white equals to beautiful and dark equals to ugly? Did we coach ourselves from the time of colonial days to see that only the whites can be deemed as good looking?
Well some would say... didnt Ms India win Ms Universe a few years back? But didn't you see as well that she was the fairer Indian?
One of my good friends, who is an Indian, shared with me how her daughter hated her skin colour as she said it was too dark. Other girls at the playground had told my friend's daughter that they did not want to play with her cos her skin was dirty! Some would say, perhaps it was the parents who had not done a good job in teaching their kids not to say such things... but when I encounter so many adults who are so bent on pointing out the colour comparisons between my two girls, not that Sarah is even that much darker, how can the little girls not have such thoughts about colour when the adults are equally as insensitive and like a say a colourist (cos I know they are not racist).
I dun really know how Sarah is feeling about this right now. With her being so shy, I dun think it bothers her too much that Tasnym gets more attention from strangers. But in years to come, I'm not sure how this would impact on her or whether I can really do much to protect her.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Oh Girl...
A few months ago, I asked Izad when we plan to have our third child and he said, "A re you serious? I can't even cope with these two and you are asking me about a third?" And this coming from a guy who has always been talking about having more children in the pre-Tasnym days. The same one who did not take me seriously (thinking that I would change my mind... which actually I did) when I clutched at his hand in my throes of labour pains and told him that I was not going to go thru this (ie labour pains) again.
A few days ago, in a hypermart in Malacca, in our struggles to manage Tasnym and trying so hard not to just tear our hair out in frustration, he said to Tasnym, "Adik, you make me think twice about having the third one". She refused to sit nicely in the trolley, refused to hold our hands while walking... her world was her own and decisions made as to where to go would only be hers..... irregardless of who were around her and that many were trying hard to avoid her from being hit by their trolleys. It does not even bother her when she can't see us (know this as I tried hiding from her view to see her reaction).
She hits Sarah, bites her nenek, rules our bed with both Izad and I clutching to the edges... sigh...
A few days ago, in a hypermart in Malacca, in our struggles to manage Tasnym and trying so hard not to just tear our hair out in frustration, he said to Tasnym, "Adik, you make me think twice about having the third one". She refused to sit nicely in the trolley, refused to hold our hands while walking... her world was her own and decisions made as to where to go would only be hers..... irregardless of who were around her and that many were trying hard to avoid her from being hit by their trolleys. It does not even bother her when she can't see us (know this as I tried hiding from her view to see her reaction).
She hits Sarah, bites her nenek, rules our bed with both Izad and I clutching to the edges... sigh...
Playing inside a cupboard in our hotel in Malacca
Caught in the act playing with salt in a restaurant in JB...
So dun let that cute face fool you!
watch Tasnym fight for the stroller
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Toilet Training Blues
Sarah is still not fully toilet trained and I have ran out of fingers and toes to count the number of times she has urinated on the car seat. No one told me it is going to be this stressful!
Worse yet is that she is soooo choosy ... she will decide which toilets she will go into and whether it is too dirty or too smelly to her liking. She even held her pee once absolutely refusing to enter into a public toilet cos she deemed it to be too smelly... I didn't even smell a thing! Dun even think of asking her to pee behind any bushes... this is a high class girl here.
Things get worse in Malaysia where are toilets are sooo dirty and hard to come by... and mind you, she does not pee into a squatting toilet... and as you may well know... most toilets in Malaysia are well the squatting type.
It was too my pleasant surprise when we went to Melaka recently and found the toilets in Mahkota Parade shopping centre to be clean and very good. They even had a mummy's room for breast feeding, diaper changing and small toilet bowls for kids... they should have this in every mall.. but the down side was that no daddy's allowed. The lady taking care of that facility had a long interview by me why such a restriction was put in place. She even asked me for my ic number for registration before I could use the facility which led to more interviewing by me as in why, why, why? Her explanation was that it was to allow for easy contacts should we ladies leave anything behind. Wouldn't it be much easier to just leave a phone number? She said oh, people were upset when phone numbers were asked for... You mean people would rather give their ic numbers but not their phone numbers? I guess in Malaysia, that's the case...
Worse yet is that she is soooo choosy ... she will decide which toilets she will go into and whether it is too dirty or too smelly to her liking. She even held her pee once absolutely refusing to enter into a public toilet cos she deemed it to be too smelly... I didn't even smell a thing! Dun even think of asking her to pee behind any bushes... this is a high class girl here.
Things get worse in Malaysia where are toilets are sooo dirty and hard to come by... and mind you, she does not pee into a squatting toilet... and as you may well know... most toilets in Malaysia are well the squatting type.
It was too my pleasant surprise when we went to Melaka recently and found the toilets in Mahkota Parade shopping centre to be clean and very good. They even had a mummy's room for breast feeding, diaper changing and small toilet bowls for kids... they should have this in every mall.. but the down side was that no daddy's allowed. The lady taking care of that facility had a long interview by me why such a restriction was put in place. She even asked me for my ic number for registration before I could use the facility which led to more interviewing by me as in why, why, why? Her explanation was that it was to allow for easy contacts should we ladies leave anything behind. Wouldn't it be much easier to just leave a phone number? She said oh, people were upset when phone numbers were asked for... You mean people would rather give their ic numbers but not their phone numbers? I guess in Malaysia, that's the case...
Friday, February 16, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Its a rich man's world
The girls celebrating their tok's birthday...
Yet another year has passed and another birthday celebrated. We get older and we see the girls growing up. From the concerns of breastfeeding and nappy changes to the weaning and the toilet training... Sometimes it is scary to watch them as they grow, worried that you would miss these moments of joy worried of what is to come...
I think most parents wants the best for their children and with that, they want to be able to also provide the best. I guess it is also one of a parents' greatest worry, for most parents anyway, that they may not be able to provide for their children's needs especially educational needs.
I have been taking educational plans to prepare for my 2 girls education. Each plan matures at different years making sure that for each year of their time in university or tertiary education will be covered. If they go to university lah... if not I use the money for myself! There is still a concern that the money would not be sufficient should they require to study abroad. Being part of the middle class, I am not poor to qualify for subsidies or bursaries and neither am I rich to be unconcerned about money... It is a worry as well that we would have enough to finance our golden years.
Health costs and living costs are increasing so much that you wonder whether the money you squirrel away in the prime of your years would even be enough to cover your needs later on. I see enough lessons around me... of those who enjoyed their lives and earnings in the prime of their life and then struggled as they reached their golden years. I dun want that to happen to me and I dun think it is good to depend on my children or expect them to support me as I may never know what may happen to them. They may not, for some reason or other, be able to support me or my needs either.
But of course, I do not believe in just squirelling away money and not enjoying the fruits of my labour. I mean what's the point of saving so much and by the time you get old, you can't even enjoy it properly due to ill health etc.
So biggest lesson of the day - Strike a balance. Save enough for tomorrow and use enough to enjoy today!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Hubby vs Daughter
I think it is the nightmare of any mother if her daughter one day comes up to her and say that her father had sexually abused her. And when confronted, the father denies vehemently that he would do such a deed. Who would the mother believe, her daughter or her husband? A dilemma that can be further compunded if the father is an upright citizen, religious even? And a daughter who may not be the best of angels.
I remembered having this theoretical conversation witha group of friends - all single and childless then... The question continues to play now with us having husbands and children. Our profession certainly does not help as we face many mother with such a situation. We can understand their dilemma, empathise even.
Fact is though many disclosures are accidental and many girls... or boys for that matter... had never intended to disclose that they had been sexually abused. No matter how non-angelic the girl may be, it is few and far in between that the girl had lied about such abuse. So as much as it may be hard to swallow, chances are it is the girl who is the innocent and the man who is the monster.
Yet, it is easy to understand the dilemmas these mothers face. Uneducated and dependent on the men, they sometimes opt to believe the men instead. Could it be that these mothers find it more difficult to believe in the words of the child? Sad thing is the daughters end up shunned, many dealing with the trauma they encountered alone.
I remembered having this theoretical conversation witha group of friends - all single and childless then... The question continues to play now with us having husbands and children. Our profession certainly does not help as we face many mother with such a situation. We can understand their dilemma, empathise even.
Fact is though many disclosures are accidental and many girls... or boys for that matter... had never intended to disclose that they had been sexually abused. No matter how non-angelic the girl may be, it is few and far in between that the girl had lied about such abuse. So as much as it may be hard to swallow, chances are it is the girl who is the innocent and the man who is the monster.
Yet, it is easy to understand the dilemmas these mothers face. Uneducated and dependent on the men, they sometimes opt to believe the men instead. Could it be that these mothers find it more difficult to believe in the words of the child? Sad thing is the daughters end up shunned, many dealing with the trauma they encountered alone.
Ole ole ole ole
The girls were busy playing soccer on the side as their papas was fighting it out on the courts... Do we see potential players in the making here?
Maid to measure
I'm still considering whether to continue with my maid's service. Her contract ends in Jul of this year. Well not to say that she had been problematic or anything but the down sides of having a maid do add up after a while. I appreciate the work that she had put in. I know my house would not look the same without her... it would be more uncondusive for living!! She works hard... that's appreciated... but...
What's the downside?
Well firstly the issue of privacy... To have a non family member in the household, one who had been a complete stranger... yes after a while you do get to know them ... but she still remains a stranger in the home and somehow you never would be as comfortable in your home as when she is not around. Even to spend time as a couple becomes a bit awkward. You can't even wear what you like in your own home..
Next would be the issue of differences in culture, language and belief systems... I think it was as much a culture shock for her to be here as it is for us to have her. The differences in beliefs were apparent from the beginning. What she thought of common ailments - they were all caused by wind in the body! Her mentality about life... I had to do a bit of motivational speeches and counselling... my cousins joked that my maid would return to her homeland a changed woman!! The way she talks is different with same words carrying different meanings... many a times we realise we had completely missed what the other meant... and that is very frustrating... You also do not want her beliefs and ways to influence your children... I defeinitely do not want my children to grow up believing that they are sick cos wind got into them!! And I do see snippets of influence that has been passed on already especially in the way my girls talk!
And of course there is the issue of attachment. Maybe I am a jealous person by nature but it pains me when I see my girls hugging her instead of coming to me or when they chose her over me... not that it happens often but when it does... it sents a shaft thru my heart. I know its good that she is a good person to my children but I guess it is hard for a mother when her child chooses someone else over them esp if that person has only been in the family for a while. Parenting also becomes an issue esp when the maid causes your authority as a parent to be undermined... sometimes without meaning to... when she gives in to their tantrums or demands... when they go to her to veto my decisions... thankfully my maid has learnt a lesson on Mum's word is the word cos I've driven it enough into her.
Expectations... I am not fussy about the house but somehow you end up realising that there are things that you want done your way... for some reason or other... and she would have done it another way... How much can you really teach? Not possibly everything and some things you take for granted assuming that she should know... or maybe I am fussy...
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing the ugliest side of me when I handle her... not that I am abusive but when frustrations peaked and expectations are not met, coupled with other stressors, its easy to lose yourself and I hate that person I see.
Then of course there is her and her idiosyncracies that sometimes simply baffles me... the things she say or do ... I know I have been luckier than most that mine has turned out to be a relatively good maid but I suppose everyone has a streak of weirdness in them... I'm sure she thinks I'm weird too!!
So that's the downside... and the upside? Well a clean house - and I dun have high expectations there cos the house can never be neat with a hubby, 2 girls and 2 cats who are forever making a mess! And the fact that I do get to concentrate on my girls cos I dun have to worry about household at all. So I have to think about striking a balance of both if our current decision not to continue with a maid stands...
Oh well... tomorrow is another day...
What's the downside?
Well firstly the issue of privacy... To have a non family member in the household, one who had been a complete stranger... yes after a while you do get to know them ... but she still remains a stranger in the home and somehow you never would be as comfortable in your home as when she is not around. Even to spend time as a couple becomes a bit awkward. You can't even wear what you like in your own home..
Next would be the issue of differences in culture, language and belief systems... I think it was as much a culture shock for her to be here as it is for us to have her. The differences in beliefs were apparent from the beginning. What she thought of common ailments - they were all caused by wind in the body! Her mentality about life... I had to do a bit of motivational speeches and counselling... my cousins joked that my maid would return to her homeland a changed woman!! The way she talks is different with same words carrying different meanings... many a times we realise we had completely missed what the other meant... and that is very frustrating... You also do not want her beliefs and ways to influence your children... I defeinitely do not want my children to grow up believing that they are sick cos wind got into them!! And I do see snippets of influence that has been passed on already especially in the way my girls talk!
And of course there is the issue of attachment. Maybe I am a jealous person by nature but it pains me when I see my girls hugging her instead of coming to me or when they chose her over me... not that it happens often but when it does... it sents a shaft thru my heart. I know its good that she is a good person to my children but I guess it is hard for a mother when her child chooses someone else over them esp if that person has only been in the family for a while. Parenting also becomes an issue esp when the maid causes your authority as a parent to be undermined... sometimes without meaning to... when she gives in to their tantrums or demands... when they go to her to veto my decisions... thankfully my maid has learnt a lesson on Mum's word is the word cos I've driven it enough into her.
Expectations... I am not fussy about the house but somehow you end up realising that there are things that you want done your way... for some reason or other... and she would have done it another way... How much can you really teach? Not possibly everything and some things you take for granted assuming that she should know... or maybe I am fussy...
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing the ugliest side of me when I handle her... not that I am abusive but when frustrations peaked and expectations are not met, coupled with other stressors, its easy to lose yourself and I hate that person I see.
Then of course there is her and her idiosyncracies that sometimes simply baffles me... the things she say or do ... I know I have been luckier than most that mine has turned out to be a relatively good maid but I suppose everyone has a streak of weirdness in them... I'm sure she thinks I'm weird too!!
So that's the downside... and the upside? Well a clean house - and I dun have high expectations there cos the house can never be neat with a hubby, 2 girls and 2 cats who are forever making a mess! And the fact that I do get to concentrate on my girls cos I dun have to worry about household at all. So I have to think about striking a balance of both if our current decision not to continue with a maid stands...
Oh well... tomorrow is another day...
Monday, February 05, 2007
Living in style...
We visited Zuraidah's mum last weekend at her new condo at Elderweiss Park. So nice... Her unti is a 2 storey apartment with the upper deck being a garden complete with jacuzzi. Her decor were so exquisitely expensive but very nice...when I went home, realised how untidy my home is in comparison!!
But of course living in style comes with a price... a BIG one. I stared at my housing loan statement this morning and realised that we had barely made a dent in our mortgage having 25 years more to go in payment. To buy a condo may mean not having anything left in the CPF when that 25 year end line comes along... And then what? There is still maintenance fees to pay. Is it really worth the amount? It definitely can't be denied that the facilities are enviable and the landscape of a HDBland would never match that of the new condos we have around... but again the question of at what price keeps ringing...
This is Tasnym with her admirer, Ana's youngest son, Aqil. He could not take his eyes off her!!
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