My maid was sent home a few days back. I may now be frustrated with having to manage the household chores but I have to admit that I feel relief with her departure and actually happier. I no longer have to face an ugly side of myself that somehow keeps emerging in my dealings with her. And the fact that a stranger has left the home... it makes my home now more of our home and not just a place to sleep in... the feeling is different somewhat...
After my maid left, I was shocked at the state she had left her room and my service balcony. I had pretty much left these two rooms alone since she came. The lack of hygiene, the mess... I couldn't believe my eyes at what I was seeing! She had actually kept potatoes and onions together with my hubby's dirty soccer boots! Do you need anything other than common sense to know that's just not done? I was actually on my knees scrubbing the service balcony floor as something had spilled and she never bothered to wipe it up. 5 garbage bags worth of rubbish was thrown away... things she broke... or just simply unwanted things were all stored there. My pink pajamas... now stained blue... was at the bottom of a basket hidden underneath a pile of towels.... was she even planning to tell me that she had done that? My favourite leather bag was badly damaged and had to be thrown away as she had stuffed all the bags together causing the leather bag to be badly scratched by the zippers of my hubby's gym bags.
To think that I gave her money and things, helped her when she was in need... and she never valued the things that are mine...
I may be struggling with the routines of household chores now... but there is a certain satisfaction in doing it myself ... in knowing that I am doing it MY WAY.... and if I spoiled anything... well it is on my call ...
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
It takes 2 hands to CLAP...
It is very easy when things go wrong in a relationship that we blame the other party. To point fingers and lay the blame on the other person is the easy way out to escape blame on ourselves, to realise and admit that we have as much a part to play in the deterioration of the relationship. It is always less painful that way.
But doesn't it always takes two hands to clap in a relationship, either in developing a relationship or in causing it to fail? If a relationship fails to take off, isn't it due to one party's disinterest, so one side of the hand is not willing to clap? And if it fails in the years to come, isn't it due to either or both sides of the hands failing to join in the clap?
But it is indeed very easy to say that the other hand had failed to clap when ours is always ready to do so.
What is it that makes or break a relationship or a marriage? What is it that causes one person to look outside for easy solutions to problems in the marriage?
1) Respect - The roof in any relationship.
2) Communication - The pillar in any relationship and most important of all;
3) Commitment - The foundation in any relationship.
4) Forgiveness - The curtains to the home.
Without these 4, the house would fall apart. I feel that a house can exist without love... after all how many of our great grandparents married from love or shared romantic love but yet their relationships continued till the day they died.
The thing though that ensures a marriage remains true is the commitment to stay no matter what, through thick and thin. No matter what temptations lay ahead. No matter what challenges. Wasn't that a vow that we take at the point of marriage? It is the foundation for which a marriage has to be built on. The ingredient that if left out would doom the relationship from the start. How can you have a lasting marriage if one party keeps looking for an exit door whenever problem looms ahead or when a prettier skirt or pants walk past?
With this foundation in place, what comes next would then be the respect for the other partner and the effective communication that plays a part to make the wheels of the marriage work. Without them, a marriage would not necessarily fail but it would be a less happier one.
That's when the finger pointing issue begins. Who do you blame when there is a lack of respect or communication in the relationship? The other party? Or yourself?
Respect for each other is the roof that protects a relationship from outside threats and harm. It is a 2 way process - that you give respect and that you receive respect. Respect is shown in the things we do to ensure that we protect the other person's feelings and well-being - that we not create unnecessary hurt in the other person.
But many do forget that respect is not a given. It is earned. And if lost, and it is easily lost, you would have to work doubly hard to gain it back. It all begins from yourself, whether you are willing to work hard enough to earn that respect and protect the respect hard enough to ensure that it is not lost. How does respect protect the relationship? Cos it causes you to think twice before you act in a way that would harm your partner.
Communication is not a one way tool. It is a two way process. Easier as it may be to say that the other person is not communicating, what have been the efforts that you have made to make sure that your own communications has been effective? The language of flowers.... the soft tones... a loving voice... a caring enquiry... a nice gesture... all to show that you care... are parts of communication. When was the last time that you had done any of these?
Before you point a finger at the other party and say that the other party has not been communicating with you... stop a moment and just ask yourself whether you have played your part too. I would think that it is very rare for a spouse to spurn loving gestures made in all sincerity. Loving tones are reciprocated with loving tones. Loving gestures would only be spurned if that other party is already looking at the exit door and is not committed to the relationship... ie a dissolvement of the foundations to the relationship.
One party can always start the efforts of building or repairing their communication faults. It may take time and the first few efforts may be viewed with suspicion but the fruits are well worth it. Communication can happen in many ways too, letters... emails...
Forgiveness... the last ingredient. Imagine if a person were never to forgive and collects all of the other person's transgressions... You know there is a saying, "you can repair a broken glass but you can always see the cracks" For me though... as much as you can see the cracks, the glass is still whole and you can always paint over the cracks and begin anew.
The problem for many couples though is to pour over those cracks, studying them, relieving the hurt over and over... not willing to forgive and move on... not willing to seek new paths... but just holding on to past hurts. What does it serve to do so... Didn't the hotel new world lesson just teaches us that even cracks in the building can cause the whole building to fall despite a commitment to stay?
Who says marriages are easy? It takes two hands to clap.... and before you point any fingers ... just remember that as you point one finger out, there are three more pointing back at you... It always begins with you...
But doesn't it always takes two hands to clap in a relationship, either in developing a relationship or in causing it to fail? If a relationship fails to take off, isn't it due to one party's disinterest, so one side of the hand is not willing to clap? And if it fails in the years to come, isn't it due to either or both sides of the hands failing to join in the clap?
But it is indeed very easy to say that the other hand had failed to clap when ours is always ready to do so.
What is it that makes or break a relationship or a marriage? What is it that causes one person to look outside for easy solutions to problems in the marriage?
1) Respect - The roof in any relationship.
2) Communication - The pillar in any relationship and most important of all;
3) Commitment - The foundation in any relationship.
4) Forgiveness - The curtains to the home.
Without these 4, the house would fall apart. I feel that a house can exist without love... after all how many of our great grandparents married from love or shared romantic love but yet their relationships continued till the day they died.
The thing though that ensures a marriage remains true is the commitment to stay no matter what, through thick and thin. No matter what temptations lay ahead. No matter what challenges. Wasn't that a vow that we take at the point of marriage? It is the foundation for which a marriage has to be built on. The ingredient that if left out would doom the relationship from the start. How can you have a lasting marriage if one party keeps looking for an exit door whenever problem looms ahead or when a prettier skirt or pants walk past?
With this foundation in place, what comes next would then be the respect for the other partner and the effective communication that plays a part to make the wheels of the marriage work. Without them, a marriage would not necessarily fail but it would be a less happier one.
That's when the finger pointing issue begins. Who do you blame when there is a lack of respect or communication in the relationship? The other party? Or yourself?
Respect for each other is the roof that protects a relationship from outside threats and harm. It is a 2 way process - that you give respect and that you receive respect. Respect is shown in the things we do to ensure that we protect the other person's feelings and well-being - that we not create unnecessary hurt in the other person.
But many do forget that respect is not a given. It is earned. And if lost, and it is easily lost, you would have to work doubly hard to gain it back. It all begins from yourself, whether you are willing to work hard enough to earn that respect and protect the respect hard enough to ensure that it is not lost. How does respect protect the relationship? Cos it causes you to think twice before you act in a way that would harm your partner.
Communication is not a one way tool. It is a two way process. Easier as it may be to say that the other person is not communicating, what have been the efforts that you have made to make sure that your own communications has been effective? The language of flowers.... the soft tones... a loving voice... a caring enquiry... a nice gesture... all to show that you care... are parts of communication. When was the last time that you had done any of these?
Before you point a finger at the other party and say that the other party has not been communicating with you... stop a moment and just ask yourself whether you have played your part too. I would think that it is very rare for a spouse to spurn loving gestures made in all sincerity. Loving tones are reciprocated with loving tones. Loving gestures would only be spurned if that other party is already looking at the exit door and is not committed to the relationship... ie a dissolvement of the foundations to the relationship.
One party can always start the efforts of building or repairing their communication faults. It may take time and the first few efforts may be viewed with suspicion but the fruits are well worth it. Communication can happen in many ways too, letters... emails...
Forgiveness... the last ingredient. Imagine if a person were never to forgive and collects all of the other person's transgressions... You know there is a saying, "you can repair a broken glass but you can always see the cracks" For me though... as much as you can see the cracks, the glass is still whole and you can always paint over the cracks and begin anew.
The problem for many couples though is to pour over those cracks, studying them, relieving the hurt over and over... not willing to forgive and move on... not willing to seek new paths... but just holding on to past hurts. What does it serve to do so... Didn't the hotel new world lesson just teaches us that even cracks in the building can cause the whole building to fall despite a commitment to stay?
Who says marriages are easy? It takes two hands to clap.... and before you point any fingers ... just remember that as you point one finger out, there are three more pointing back at you... It always begins with you...
Friday, March 23, 2007
In loving memory...
My dear old cat, didi, of 16 years has just passed away this afternoon after a week of not eating and drinking. I am ok abt it as I would rather he go than to suffer more...
I can still remember the day when I first saw him at a few days old, when I took him back at 2 months, when he went missing for a week at 4 months... That he was my first love... and the one who gave love to me unconditionally when I felt that no one else really did
The one who was my companion when I burnt midnight oil studying for my As and Unis, purring away as I studied...
The one who was there thru my tears and pain...
Bye Didi... u will be remembered...
I can still remember the day when I first saw him at a few days old, when I took him back at 2 months, when he went missing for a week at 4 months... That he was my first love... and the one who gave love to me unconditionally when I felt that no one else really did
The one who was my companion when I burnt midnight oil studying for my As and Unis, purring away as I studied...
The one who was there thru my tears and pain...
Bye Didi... u will be remembered...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Finding nemo
We went to watch nemo on ice last weekend and the girls really enjoyed themselves. Sarah were scared at some moments and insisted i hold her hand when the sharks came out for fear they will bite her! Tasnym was enjoying every moment and was rather amazingly well behaved!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Shopping Woes
The two mickey mouseketeers...
Tried to go shopping with the two girls yesterday and had our patience thinning by the moment. Tasnym was simply uncontrollable, not wanting to sit on the stroller, not wanting to hold hands... hey wait, didn't I say all this before? Not that Sarah was any better. They went riot at Best Denki in Parkway! People must be tsk-tsking at these two girls and their mum who simply did not manage them properly. I don't think Izad was faring any better.
All these was punctuated with requests to go to the toilet by Sarah and mad dashes to the toilet. Not that she actually needed to go each time but I think she just liked the small kiddy bowls and sinks cos she can sit on it herself without being carried. She also loved the fact that she could wash her hands, put soap and dry her hands at the dryer. Well, all this didn't stop her from urinating at Courts... we made a quick exit out!
Nothing got done... and Izad made a phone call to his mum... for us to drop off the girls and resume our shopping at the IT show!
Hey... who's taking photo of whom?
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Till death do us part
A few days back, a distant relative of mine pass away. What then became the hot topic in the family was how her daughter had refused to visit her mum at the latter's death bed in the hospital. Or how she had left her mum struggling alone at home without any mattress to lie on when her mum was sick. Well, at the end, she did visit her mum though it was too late as her mum was unconcious by that time.
My response to all this had been, what had happened between the two that caused the daughter to be so heartless to her mum's suffering. It is not that I do not believe that a human being is incapable of being totally heartless.... they can and have... but usually circumstances prompt men to turn bad. Its just that I feel that something bigger must have happened that had caused the daughter to turn against her mum in that way.
When I was younger, I've often heard stories of how some had turned in their parents into the old-folks homes and how heartless these children were to have done that. It set me thinking... well, if the parent themselves had not taken the time to care for their children, leaving the care to maids and spending more time at work... especially for the fathers... is it fair to then expect the child to care for the parent at old age? How different is it for the parent who had left his child at the child care centre, babysitter, maid etc for most of the week from the child who places his parent in a old folks home or day care when he is at work? Why is there a negative connotation for the latter but not the first. In the Western culture, old folks villages or homes are homely, giving the elderly a sense of independence and yet with adequate structured care. After all, there are circumstances which would necessitate an elderly's placement into a Home, none of the reasons related to a child's wish to abandon the parent but to ensure that the parent receive the necessary nursing care. My argument against the placement would only arise if the child, however, absolutely refused to visit the parent in the old folks home... out of sight out of mind...
Which brings me back again to the question, why do some children opt to abandon their parents, not visiting or rendering love and care. Is it the same to the question of why some parents may abuse their children, refusing love and care? Cos of lack of attachment, cos of past history of abuse? Would the child who had been abused, physically or emotionally by that same parent, neglected or not given adequate care and love going to be the same child who would then in turn abandon his/her parent at the time of need. Anecdotal examples seems to say yes. I've come to know of many tribunal cases where parents had goen to the courts to claim maintenance from their children only to be rejected by the latter due to the abuse that had been inflicted onto them by that same parent. Of course, reasons of abuse do not hold true for all cases.
It amazes me how some adult expects absolute loyalty from their children when they did little in the child's life, especially for the fathers. Did they think that just because they played a part in the conception of the child, through the sperm donation at the point of consumation, that the child then belongs to them and should therefore complete all their biddings? Even for the mothers, what control do we mothers have actually in conceiving the child and delivering - all that is in God's hands. And yet they wield the nine months of pregnancy and the number of hours in labour over the heads of the child as reason as to why the child should then obey to all their commands. It is not the 9 months plus the numerous hous of labour, it is what the parent do after that in years to come that matters, that would determine whether that child would remain steadfast, loyal and true to their parent.
Other reasons also run abound, arguments, differences, conflicts that all sours relationships... Money seems to be a popular reason. Funny isn't it how a loving relationship can be turned around cos of money but hey.. that's another topic altogether. But it is enough of a reason to make a child turn their back against their parent. Sad huh... reminds me of that old story of the couple who was making a wooden bowl for their elderly parent and planning to abandon the elderly parent to the mountain top... only to stop short when they see their young son planning the same for them. What comes around comes around.
Well... for my relative's daughter... it may be too late for regrets and only time to think of what-ifs... and possibly even a reminiscence as to what her mum may possibly have done wrong to her perception...
My response to all this had been, what had happened between the two that caused the daughter to be so heartless to her mum's suffering. It is not that I do not believe that a human being is incapable of being totally heartless.... they can and have... but usually circumstances prompt men to turn bad. Its just that I feel that something bigger must have happened that had caused the daughter to turn against her mum in that way.
When I was younger, I've often heard stories of how some had turned in their parents into the old-folks homes and how heartless these children were to have done that. It set me thinking... well, if the parent themselves had not taken the time to care for their children, leaving the care to maids and spending more time at work... especially for the fathers... is it fair to then expect the child to care for the parent at old age? How different is it for the parent who had left his child at the child care centre, babysitter, maid etc for most of the week from the child who places his parent in a old folks home or day care when he is at work? Why is there a negative connotation for the latter but not the first. In the Western culture, old folks villages or homes are homely, giving the elderly a sense of independence and yet with adequate structured care. After all, there are circumstances which would necessitate an elderly's placement into a Home, none of the reasons related to a child's wish to abandon the parent but to ensure that the parent receive the necessary nursing care. My argument against the placement would only arise if the child, however, absolutely refused to visit the parent in the old folks home... out of sight out of mind...
Which brings me back again to the question, why do some children opt to abandon their parents, not visiting or rendering love and care. Is it the same to the question of why some parents may abuse their children, refusing love and care? Cos of lack of attachment, cos of past history of abuse? Would the child who had been abused, physically or emotionally by that same parent, neglected or not given adequate care and love going to be the same child who would then in turn abandon his/her parent at the time of need. Anecdotal examples seems to say yes. I've come to know of many tribunal cases where parents had goen to the courts to claim maintenance from their children only to be rejected by the latter due to the abuse that had been inflicted onto them by that same parent. Of course, reasons of abuse do not hold true for all cases.
It amazes me how some adult expects absolute loyalty from their children when they did little in the child's life, especially for the fathers. Did they think that just because they played a part in the conception of the child, through the sperm donation at the point of consumation, that the child then belongs to them and should therefore complete all their biddings? Even for the mothers, what control do we mothers have actually in conceiving the child and delivering - all that is in God's hands. And yet they wield the nine months of pregnancy and the number of hours in labour over the heads of the child as reason as to why the child should then obey to all their commands. It is not the 9 months plus the numerous hous of labour, it is what the parent do after that in years to come that matters, that would determine whether that child would remain steadfast, loyal and true to their parent.
Other reasons also run abound, arguments, differences, conflicts that all sours relationships... Money seems to be a popular reason. Funny isn't it how a loving relationship can be turned around cos of money but hey.. that's another topic altogether. But it is enough of a reason to make a child turn their back against their parent. Sad huh... reminds me of that old story of the couple who was making a wooden bowl for their elderly parent and planning to abandon the elderly parent to the mountain top... only to stop short when they see their young son planning the same for them. What comes around comes around.
Well... for my relative's daughter... it may be too late for regrets and only time to think of what-ifs... and possibly even a reminiscence as to what her mum may possibly have done wrong to her perception...
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Children see...
Remember that children see what we do and we have a choice to the type of influence we want to be to our children.
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