It is very easy when things go wrong in a relationship that we blame the other party. To point fingers and lay the blame on the other person is the easy way out to escape blame on ourselves, to realise and admit that we have as much a part to play in the deterioration of the relationship. It is always less painful that way.
But doesn't it always takes two hands to clap in a relationship, either in developing a relationship or in causing it to fail? If a relationship fails to take off, isn't it due to one party's disinterest, so one side of the hand is not willing to clap? And if it fails in the years to come, isn't it due to either or both sides of the hands failing to join in the clap?
But it is indeed very easy to say that the other hand had failed to clap when ours is always ready to do so.
What is it that makes or break a relationship or a marriage? What is it that causes one person to look outside for easy solutions to problems in the marriage?
1) Respect - The roof in any relationship.
2) Communication - The pillar in any relationship and most important of all;
3) Commitment - The foundation in any relationship.
4) Forgiveness - The curtains to the home.
Without these 4, the house would fall apart. I feel that a house can exist without love... after all how many of our great grandparents married from love or shared romantic love but yet their relationships continued till the day they died.
The thing though that ensures a marriage remains true is the commitment to stay no matter what, through thick and thin. No matter what temptations lay ahead. No matter what challenges. Wasn't that a vow that we take at the point of marriage? It is the foundation for which a marriage has to be built on. The ingredient that if left out would doom the relationship from the start. How can you have a lasting marriage if one party keeps looking for an exit door whenever problem looms ahead or when a prettier skirt or pants walk past?
With this foundation in place, what comes next would then be the respect for the other partner and the effective communication that plays a part to make the wheels of the marriage work. Without them, a marriage would not necessarily fail but it would be a less happier one.
That's when the finger pointing issue begins. Who do you blame when there is a lack of respect or communication in the relationship? The other party? Or yourself?
Respect for each other is the roof that protects a relationship from outside threats and harm. It is a 2 way process - that you give respect and that you receive respect. Respect is shown in the things we do to ensure that we protect the other person's feelings and well-being - that we not create unnecessary hurt in the other person.
But many do forget that respect is not a given. It is earned. And if lost, and it is easily lost, you would have to work doubly hard to gain it back. It all begins from yourself, whether you are willing to work hard enough to earn that respect and protect the respect hard enough to ensure that it is not lost. How does respect protect the relationship? Cos it causes you to think twice before you act in a way that would harm your partner.
Communication is not a one way tool. It is a two way process. Easier as it may be to say that the other person is not communicating, what have been the efforts that you have made to make sure that your own communications has been effective? The language of flowers.... the soft tones... a loving voice... a caring enquiry... a nice gesture... all to show that you care... are parts of communication. When was the last time that you had done any of these?
Before you point a finger at the other party and say that the other party has not been communicating with you... stop a moment and just ask yourself whether you have played your part too. I would think that it is very rare for a spouse to spurn loving gestures made in all sincerity. Loving tones are reciprocated with loving tones. Loving gestures would only be spurned if that other party is already looking at the exit door and is not committed to the relationship... ie a dissolvement of the foundations to the relationship.
One party can always start the efforts of building or repairing their communication faults. It may take time and the first few efforts may be viewed with suspicion but the fruits are well worth it. Communication can happen in many ways too, letters... emails...
Forgiveness... the last ingredient. Imagine if a person were never to forgive and collects all of the other person's transgressions... You know there is a saying, "you can repair a broken glass but you can always see the cracks" For me though... as much as you can see the cracks, the glass is still whole and you can always paint over the cracks and begin anew.
The problem for many couples though is to pour over those cracks, studying them, relieving the hurt over and over... not willing to forgive and move on... not willing to seek new paths... but just holding on to past hurts. What does it serve to do so... Didn't the hotel new world lesson just teaches us that even cracks in the building can cause the whole building to fall despite a commitment to stay?
Who says marriages are easy? It takes two hands to clap.... and before you point any fingers ... just remember that as you point one finger out, there are three more pointing back at you... It always begins with you...
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